Do we realize that its not about what we do to please people? That its all about feeling satisfied about what we’re doing?
I’ve been striving to find an explanation for my life, an explanation for what I’ve been doing for the past 10 years. If I would list the things that I’ve done till now, they would appear contradicting or maybe symptoms of multiple personality disorder.
Some of us may be familiar with the strange case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. As a matter of fact, my life is pretty much similar to this novel. I’ve been trying to fit myself into two different personalities. The first is the religious Mohamed who memorizes parts of the Holy Quran and uses all what he knows for the benefit of human kind. The second is the rebellious Mohamed who knows by heart every single way towards the destruction of human kind.
Its very tough to live this lifestyle, because you feel like your mind is being driven by two different people. There’s an Arabic proverb that says: “The ship that has two captains must drown”. Similarly, the mind that has two personalities cannot withstand the huge pressure of being part of two different personalities. It’s like someone is pulling it towards east, and another is pulling it towards west, eventually it will split apart.
It is important to acknowledge that no matter how hard I try to stay being the religious Mohamed, the other Mohamed fights back for his freedom. While the rebellious Mohamed is in control, the religious fights back for his, and the sequence goes on and on..
But I have a huge faith that one of the two personalities will defeat the other. Which one exactly, I’m not sure. I just hope and pray for the first one to win..
May Allah be with us all..